plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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