Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
