I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
