sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
