i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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