Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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