Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
