actually, I'm a sock model
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
