Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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