I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
