That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
