Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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