for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
