i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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