question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
