If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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