Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
