mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
