mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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