I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I supernannyed him into submission
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
