Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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