just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
