i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
