so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
