its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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