and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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