i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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