The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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