Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
