Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
