apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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