Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
