mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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