Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
honey bunches of taint.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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