I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
