When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
