Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
