Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
