My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
