I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
