I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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