if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i barfeds in our rink
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
