also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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