Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
