I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
