I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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