i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
