Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
