lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
