Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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