Your face is a jimmy john
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
