My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
